Feb. 8/96
So here I am and god I am ticked at myself. Jack came and sat with me on my spare, and well, you know how I get nervous or self-concious or I don't know what to say, so I play with my hair? Well, I was talking with him, I kept playing with my hair, and I told him why I did that when he asked me. God I feel RETARDED. Debs and Pamala say he likes me but I don't know if I believe that, especially if he realises what a dork I am. I can can be dorky--especially around guys I like. Yes, I can be dorky, and generally am.
It gets even worse--I was talking to him in Geo and Emily Goldman shoves her fat head in the picture and totally eclipses me. Literally. With her fat heat, she just bowled me out of the way and said phony and friendly, "Hi! I'm Emily Goldman" and gave me a dirty look. "I don't think we've been properly introduced."
Who the hell talks like that? What is this, a debutante ball? Well, excuse me, but I don't think I like being shoved out by some ditz and her fat head, so I don't think I'll move aside just yet. Bitch.
But what if I'm being too presumptuous? What if he's just being friendly? Really. He's new to the school, and doesn't know many people, so.... ahh! I don't know anything!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Lucky in haircut, lucky in love?
Boy, it's been a while.
Friday EVERYBODY got together at Debs' to watch Clueless. Then, Saturday, Debs and I went to watch Grease and 's. Sunday I got a trim, and boy, it must have been a lucky haircut, becuase I had a great day today!
I got to school early. We had a late start so that made it worse. Debs, Pamala and I wrote a letter to Ben and bascially goofed off. In Human Geo, Jack complimented me on something I said; in the halls, his buddy called me 'cutie', and as usual, Jay hugged me. Sweet! I fixed my school schedule, and the Valentine's dance is on Friday. Debs and Pamala are ocming over to get ready with me. That will be cool (huh-huh, huh, huh-huh, cool).
Friday EVERYBODY got together at Debs' to watch Clueless. Then, Saturday, Debs and I went to watch Grease and 's. Sunday I got a trim, and boy, it must have been a lucky haircut, becuase I had a great day today!
I got to school early. We had a late start so that made it worse. Debs, Pamala and I wrote a letter to Ben and bascially goofed off. In Human Geo, Jack complimented me on something I said; in the halls, his buddy called me 'cutie', and as usual, Jay hugged me. Sweet! I fixed my school schedule, and the Valentine's dance is on Friday. Debs and Pamala are ocming over to get ready with me. That will be cool (huh-huh, huh, huh-huh, cool).
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dating is complicated!
Got my marks back! 82 in English, 81 (being reevaluated) in French, Math and Chem unspeakable.
Classes are okay. Debs and I are working out on our morning spare.
I went to see Beavis and Butthead on Saturday, with Simon (I don't know what to call him anymore.) We made out the entire time. Lots of kissing! Afterward, we made out. On the subway home, we made out. So, we're seeing each other.
Okay, so, when I'm with him, I don't have any doubts, but when when I'm not with him.... like, when I'm with Ben.... I feel unsure. I must admit, I am attracted to Ben. I don't know why, but some days, I feel like I want to jump him, and others, I'm not so sure. Maybe I should try it out and see.
Classes are okay. Debs and I are working out on our morning spare.
I went to see Beavis and Butthead on Saturday, with Simon (I don't know what to call him anymore.) We made out the entire time. Lots of kissing! Afterward, we made out. On the subway home, we made out. So, we're seeing each other.
Okay, so, when I'm with him, I don't have any doubts, but when when I'm not with him.... like, when I'm with Ben.... I feel unsure. I must admit, I am attracted to Ben. I don't know why, but some days, I feel like I want to jump him, and others, I'm not so sure. Maybe I should try it out and see.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
As we look to the future....
(The next day, I think it's the 20th)
[note: January 20, 1996]
Odd. The pen I'm using is blue, but the ink is black. Well, I've studied math, and I'm STILL GOING TO FAIL miserably. I hope I pass. Damn. I really tried hard.
We went to see a fortune teller today. I'm going to live until I'm about 85 to 89. I'm going to have a serious boyfriend in two to three years. I'm going to have a long engagement, following by a marriage. I'm going to be married in my mid- to late twenties, and have kids in my late twenties to early thirties. It's supposed to be a successful marriage, with two or three kids. I'm going to go into business for myself and be financially secure. I'm going to marry someone whom I haven't met yet. My lucky numbers are 14 and 27. All the studying I've been doing will be beneficial in the end, and in the next three to six weeks, someone will reveal their true feelings. I'm supposed to follow my heart and not listen to what my friends say. Someone around me is not really on my side. They're badmouthing me behind my back. Okay.
[note: January 20, 1996]
Odd. The pen I'm using is blue, but the ink is black. Well, I've studied math, and I'm STILL GOING TO FAIL miserably. I hope I pass. Damn. I really tried hard.
We went to see a fortune teller today. I'm going to live until I'm about 85 to 89. I'm going to have a serious boyfriend in two to three years. I'm going to have a long engagement, following by a marriage. I'm going to be married in my mid- to late twenties, and have kids in my late twenties to early thirties. It's supposed to be a successful marriage, with two or three kids. I'm going to go into business for myself and be financially secure. I'm going to marry someone whom I haven't met yet. My lucky numbers are 14 and 27. All the studying I've been doing will be beneficial in the end, and in the next three to six weeks, someone will reveal their true feelings. I'm supposed to follow my heart and not listen to what my friends say. Someone around me is not really on my side. They're badmouthing me behind my back. Okay.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Clearly drooling
Jan. 19/96
I wrote my English exam today. God, it was bad. Terrible, horrible--my essay made no sense. I'll be happy to pass. Please, by some miracle of god let me get an 85%--please. I'm so afraid because I have Bio and math on the same day, and Italian the next.
[marginalia: "To be thus is nothing; but to be safely thus..." "Macbeth hath murder'd sleep: Macbeth shall sleep no more."]
Oh! My parents care! "Don't write so close to the paper! You're going to go blind!"
Really strange. I can hear my arm moving. I've propped my head in my hand (on my ear) and I'm lying down and I can hear my arm move.
Questions.... If a lesbian gets a sex change, what does she become? How do fish and dogs kiss? I know they do, but do they kiss like people?
Ugh, it's very late, I'm very tired and also drooling. Night.
I wrote my English exam today. God, it was bad. Terrible, horrible--my essay made no sense. I'll be happy to pass. Please, by some miracle of god let me get an 85%--please. I'm so afraid because I have Bio and math on the same day, and Italian the next.
[marginalia: "To be thus is nothing; but to be safely thus..." "Macbeth hath murder'd sleep: Macbeth shall sleep no more."]
Oh! My parents care! "Don't write so close to the paper! You're going to go blind!"
Really strange. I can hear my arm moving. I've propped my head in my hand (on my ear) and I'm lying down and I can hear my arm move.
Questions.... If a lesbian gets a sex change, what does she become? How do fish and dogs kiss? I know they do, but do they kiss like people?
Ugh, it's very late, I'm very tired and also drooling. Night.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Everything is FUCKED
January 13, 1999
In as far as my academic life goes: I'm FUCKED. I have an essay due in exactly 48 hours and I don't even have enough resources. This is where I STOP procrastinating. Too bad I had to learn the lesson so late.
(somewhat later)
Serial killers--and mass murderers, too, as they seem to go hand in hand--are fucked. They're some scary SOBs. I don't get it. So, it's that they're disenfranchised, learning-disabled, repressed social climbing ex-bed wetters whose parents beat them, who liked torturing and dismembering animals and secretly keeping their carcasses before sending them to juvenile hall where they were either exposed to violent porn (thereby feeding a desire for nubile, beautiful women) or sodomized in the shower, causing them to embrace latent homosexuality? And that's what makes serial killer?
And nobody noticed before the mad killing sprees and the accumulated 'souvenirs'?
(somewhat later)
Yes! Major mental breakthrough! Not that I understand why they kill, but I can at least formulate a provisional thesis: "Sick fuckers though they may be, there are actually many factors which all contribute--in varying degrees between each individual case--to the development of a serial killer. Research suggests the most likely correlation to be the almost unvarying socioeconomic insecurity combined with unsuccessful attempts at joining a higher social class."
Okay, so maybe the part about them being sick fuckers is inappropriate. I might change that.
In as far as my academic life goes: I'm FUCKED. I have an essay due in exactly 48 hours and I don't even have enough resources. This is where I STOP procrastinating. Too bad I had to learn the lesson so late.
(somewhat later)
Serial killers--and mass murderers, too, as they seem to go hand in hand--are fucked. They're some scary SOBs. I don't get it. So, it's that they're disenfranchised, learning-disabled, repressed social climbing ex-bed wetters whose parents beat them, who liked torturing and dismembering animals and secretly keeping their carcasses before sending them to juvenile hall where they were either exposed to violent porn (thereby feeding a desire for nubile, beautiful women) or sodomized in the shower, causing them to embrace latent homosexuality? And that's what makes serial killer?
And nobody noticed before the mad killing sprees and the accumulated 'souvenirs'?
(somewhat later)
Yes! Major mental breakthrough! Not that I understand why they kill, but I can at least formulate a provisional thesis: "Sick fuckers though they may be, there are actually many factors which all contribute--in varying degrees between each individual case--to the development of a serial killer. Research suggests the most likely correlation to be the almost unvarying socioeconomic insecurity combined with unsuccessful attempts at joining a higher social class."
Okay, so maybe the part about them being sick fuckers is inappropriate. I might change that.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Oh, hormones.
Fri. Jan. 5/95
Well, today I got a lab guide for dissecting the fish. Oh, I can hardly wait to slit its belly open.
I endured French, suffered endless agonies through math, and went to have my photo taken. The photographer had packed up after 20 min, so I didn't get a re-take. I then ate lunch, was bored stiff in Italian, and laughed a lot in Geography. (Daniel is so funny!)
Yesterday I had an in-depth conversation with Cara. It was about The Jerk. It makes no sense for me to like him: we're absolutely incompatible. He's.... a jerk, I guess. Pushy. Sulky. Domineering. But cute and sweet sometimes. Help. Please, please. If anyone out there knows a good shrink, give me a call. I'm losing my mind over this guy, and Cara and Marlowe can tell we're not compatible. Hell, so can my YM magazine. And I can't understand why I like him so much. The Holy Grail Syndrome? Maybe. Maybe I should've never said no to fooling around with him, but then, I wasn't ready for that. I'm not sure what I'm ready for. I'll admit it, here: when we were kissing, I was scared. I know, I know it sounds stupid, but I was really afraid that we'd wind up doing more than necessary, or that I'd wind up in an unfavourable, compromising position.
Cara thinks it's because I'm sexually attached to him. (Figuratively, here. NOT literally.) But we didn't have sex or anything. So I dunno. But I wonder what if I did make out with him again and fool around. Anyways, I've got to get over it. It'll be easier if I just get over it. Move on, and let go.
I was supposed to sleep over at Cara's tonight, but she went babysitting and didn't call. Needless to say, I'm slightly ticked. Np. I'm tired from my stressful day.
Well, today I got a lab guide for dissecting the fish. Oh, I can hardly wait to slit its belly open.
I endured French, suffered endless agonies through math, and went to have my photo taken. The photographer had packed up after 20 min, so I didn't get a re-take. I then ate lunch, was bored stiff in Italian, and laughed a lot in Geography. (Daniel is so funny!)
Yesterday I had an in-depth conversation with Cara. It was about The Jerk. It makes no sense for me to like him: we're absolutely incompatible. He's.... a jerk, I guess. Pushy. Sulky. Domineering. But cute and sweet sometimes. Help. Please, please. If anyone out there knows a good shrink, give me a call. I'm losing my mind over this guy, and Cara and Marlowe can tell we're not compatible. Hell, so can my YM magazine. And I can't understand why I like him so much. The Holy Grail Syndrome? Maybe. Maybe I should've never said no to fooling around with him, but then, I wasn't ready for that. I'm not sure what I'm ready for. I'll admit it, here: when we were kissing, I was scared. I know, I know it sounds stupid, but I was really afraid that we'd wind up doing more than necessary, or that I'd wind up in an unfavourable, compromising position.
Cara thinks it's because I'm sexually attached to him. (Figuratively, here. NOT literally.) But we didn't have sex or anything. So I dunno. But I wonder what if I did make out with him again and fool around. Anyways, I've got to get over it. It'll be easier if I just get over it. Move on, and let go.
I was supposed to sleep over at Cara's tonight, but she went babysitting and didn't call. Needless to say, I'm slightly ticked. Np. I'm tired from my stressful day.
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